tears of pearls

my best friend moved to Miami. i havnt talked to her in over a week. she has not returned any of my calls. i can understand, being busy and all but i really need to talk to her. reminds me of this time she went to cuba and i havnt heard from her in 2 weeks. problem is, i CAN contact her. but she is not reponding.

havnt seen or hung out with my sister B in a long ass time. she didnt know that i am being intimate with my boyfriend. the other day she found out. she said, "why didnt you tell me?" my reponse.... "your never around." since we both have boyfriends, i have seen less and less of her. I dont even know whats going on in her life. I feel like we are young again. not crossing each others path. i actually feel disconnected; like i'm missing something. I just want it back.

I'm happy. for myself and just not other people. I am completely amazed that i can finally feel this way.

Dad's in the hospital and my mom wants to keep it a secret. i dont understand her sometimes. everything has to be secretive. i only told the two ppl that i trust.

i'm not even allowed to visit him yet. i just want to hug him. i'm trying to be strong.

Jack is in San Diego and its ridiculous how much i miss him. hes not due back until sunday. and i wont see him until monday. I cant wait.

Elo is moving to Miami. She permanetly leaves on the 17th of august. I'm helping her plan a farewell party. i'm so bummed. she has been my besties for 11 years now. I'm gonna miss not seeing her EVERY weekend. i dont want her to leave. She is like my other half. I'm going to be so lost without her.

Things have been going great with me. I'm in school, still loving Medical Coding. I have a boyfriend ( we have been dating for two months now) and I'm getting job interviews. So, its been really good for me. I have been waiting for the good stuff to happen. It seemed like i was going to be stuck in that rut forever. I'm actually happy and cant stop smiling.

on other notes, I am super happy for my sister B. SHe has found love again with her NEW boyfriend. SHe can finally move on, get rid of Tom and start new things. its been good for the pair of us.

there is soooo much going on. i don think i can type t all. in short its about:

1. dad
2. bf
3. elo
4. sex
5. dad

dating sopmeone longer then a few weeks so much better. his name is Jack and he's the sweetest guy i have ever met. he takes me out and pays for everything. i can be my crazy self around him and thats probalbly what i like most. things are finally looking up for me.

THANKS LIFE

-days just keep going by so slowly. I just wish i could get a job already. or at least find something to occupy my time.
-my dad is driving me crazy. I cant even stand being in the same room with him.
-i'm restless.
-sometimes i just want to go outside and scream.
- i wish i could just get up and leave. I dont even know where i would go.
- i'm trapped in my own self

I keep having these awful dreams. they are so vivid that i wake up thanking god that they werent real. just today i had a dream that i was a jewish child and i was put on this train thing. it almost looked like it could have been a rollercoaster. Anyways, i was told to take off my clothes and i could hear children crying. and then the "ride" started and "we" were dumped into this tunnel with a thousand other naked children. and tehn i woke up.
I was in a sweat, and i actually started to cry. It was sooo horrible. It was random. i didnt even watch or read anything pertaining to the Holocaust in months. Even now, i'm getting chills just thinking about this dream.


3 nights ago, I dreamt that I was on teh train, going downtown and my train blew up. And there were just limbs and blood everywhere. I couldnt move; I couldnt feel my legs. And my face was wet with blood. And i kept hearing screams and bombs exploding. and when i woke up, i was drentched in sweat. I could stop the images in my mind.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? WHO HAS THESE KINDS OF DREAMS?

my entire body feels like its going to crumble up. i wish i could take sedatives and sleep for days without feeling. if only.

I dunno. I'm feeling kindof aweful. School is cancelled for this semester due to lack of students. This was my chance out of my rut. I'm applying EVERYWHERE and i'm still not getting any bites. My dad is going thru some pretty drastic medication changes, so he is home and i have to deal with his mood swings. I feel like i'm not getting anywhere. That each month is passing by with the same routine. I need some excitment, or at least a reason. A goal. Anything.

I dont know what to do with myself anymore.

I feel like such a failure. like i cant do anything right. I cant seem to get a job. I cant seem to get a date. I fail my test again and again and again. Its getting quite ridiculous that i'm 23 and still do not have my license or at least my permit. I just cant seem to catch a break.

my sister is doing a project about the Moran family history. Its interesting and all, but i cant stop thinking of the love i had for my Nana and the hate I have for her. She lived a double life, and everyone just remembers the good times. It really bothers me. I just feel so lost. I WANT to remember her loving and kind. but when i look at my dad, i know that she was mean to him for no good reason. I'm torn

I think i'm cursed. and i may be in a funk. both suck ass. I want to go into my room and cry

I have a date this weekend with someone I met at the bar. I dont know what i should wear. my mom is already trying to control on what we should do. I need to move out ASAP. I'll hear what she has to say and lie to her, but I'm not changing my mind, becuz she feels "uneasy". Fuck that!

I really will never have kids. Its alright to have them for a day or two, but i could never hold that much responsibility and patience that a parent has. Its not for me. Not even curious. fuck that!

I loved M.I.A. before she got all popular. I still get excited when I see her song paper planes, being played on the TV and radio. I hate that they deleted the gunshots. I hate that she's all famous and ppl like her music now, but not when she was a no-name of the mainstream. It bothers me .

I had surgery and survived. My leg is so gross looking. it bothers me just to look at it. I can walk now which is good. but a couple of things are bothering me.

1. My friend TC from lawncrest, who I dont see very much, maybe once a month, sent me a care package. I was so touched that she thought of me like that, i cried. Of course i am going to send her a thank you note and all, but god... it was just the nicest thing. She even went on-line to find snacks that was gluten-free. It was so sweet.

The thing thats bothering me is, my best friend didnt call me until thursday. and when i asked her about it, she said "oh i thought you were sick of me"/ are you kidding me? i was so nervous about getting this done, and you dont have the curtiosy to call me? And then when you do, you play it off. YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING!!!! Is this normal friend behavour, or are you distracted by the new boy-toy in your life, that we both know, will never go anywhere....? I mean, you didnt call me. you havnt called me. I have been the one intiating the conversations and even when i told you that i was up and about, and maybe you should come over and visit me, you never got back. you never called. I feel unloved by you. Am i not important to you? Or are you thinking with your Vagina and not with your head?

sometimes i miss philly and sometimes i dont. i miss the familarity of places, streets, buses. but i dont miss the crime and darkness. I know that its always said, but i still wish we still lived in lawncrest. I wish lawncrest was what it was 10 years ago, to now. wishful thinking...... i know. but wouldnt it be nice?

All the kids start school this week, and I'm still without a job. Unemployment is up at the end of september, so i need something by then. This week I have a blood test and then 2 more weeks, will be my surgery/vein stripping. I'm not afraid, but this recovery stage may bite me in the ass. I will probably wind up back down town for a job. Unless i can find something near me.

I cant think of this right now. I have this billing class tomorrow; I'm dreading it to the maxx.